Alay | 45 | Secretes

I'm so tired of facing this life. I have many things happening inside my head but I don't have anyone whom I can comfortably tell them to. Is death a better solution?

I'm not sure whether I can get the girl that I want to become the partner of my life. I'm afraid of growing a dream. It's always been firing back at me to get me back to zero point, and I think I'm going that way. It is scary as hell.

I'll finish all the tasks then reward myself with cool stuff.

 The post-effect is tough.

 Even when everybody's stiking a pose

 Keluar dari lingkaran kehidupan laknat ini

Entah apa ini yang memasuki kamarku. Dia nampak seperti serangga biasa, namun sebagai orang berasumsi macam-macam. Apakah ini pertanda baik? Apakah ini pertanda buruk? Apakah ini malaikat pengantar rejeki? Pencatat amal? Pencabut nyawa? Ah aku tak peduli lagi. Citaku kini hanya hidup tenang, sehat dan selamat. Cukup sudah menjalani hiruk-pikuk kehidupan, cukup sudah menderita sakit, cukup sudah menghadapi bahaya. Aku lelah.

Yang gw lihat di mana-mana hanyalah ikatan kontrak, gak ada suci-sucinya. Kesucian hanyalah topeng sementara yang suatu saat akan sirna, sadar gak sadar. Terus kalau memang begitu adanya, apa masih mau berpikiran polos (/naif) bahwa di luar sana ada yang masih meyakini ikatan suci yang tulus? Kalau memang begitu adanya, apakah mencari pasangan hidup masih menjadi bagian dari rencana lo? Kayaknya jawabannya jelas deh.

As much as brokenhearted I was, today it becomes even worse, if not the worst I've ever felt. I almost lost my sanity, but gladly I am still able to keep it.  Now that I'm absolutely broken, my mind becomes blurry. I am so lost inside. I don't know who or what to believe in, even myself. What, where, when did I do wrong? Why is it always happening, when all I've been struggling for my whole life is not to have this pathetic life, but it still occurs. When will I have an everlasting truly happy mind? Is this sad life story already written in a one way route somewhere? If so, then I'll try to make another route. I'm not sure, but I still have that thought that life is about choice. Even though after living so far I've seen countless unchangeable complicated life for a lot of people, I'm still holding dear to that belief. It's just, the spirit is becoming weaker and weaker. That spirit, no matter how weak it is, or how stupid it sounds, is what keeps me