Alay | 45 | Secretes

Jenuh sangat.

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Ini ketombe kok parah amat ya..

Contemplating of what have I had for the past years, the good sides. Yes, I have found lots of true friends. Yes, I have made an achievement that I can be proud of; best department of the organisation when I was in charge as the head of it; champion of a small football tournament as a captain of an unfavored team; runner-up in another tournament captaining newcomers; successfully held up an annual celebration as the chief of committee which consists of women. In contrary to what that I have had in my mind - that I can't lead a group - I have a good record. This is a rare occurance to be aware to my own positive values. So, thinking positively, this might be a good reminder to start to think of when I get caught in negativity. Right now I'm leading a class full of female teenagers (and one boy). I felt hard the first time I was appointed by them classmates. But in time I have learnt how to face problem by problem. Now, tho I am still half-heartedly saying this, but I hope it...

Should I listen to the devils' whispers? I'm feeling down again. Like death is a good option to take cause by exhaustion. On the other side I feel the rage. The revenge. Those really hateful feelings inside. Problems come to me just like waves, one through another it never stops where most of them wasn't made by me, but it became mine. I really never wanted to have it. I've tried to face it my way. But in the end it's just adding more problems. I know the world is perfect by having imperfect things. But why does it have to go this harsh on me?? Why, God? Isn't there any chance for me to feel grateful for good? Do I even have the right to complain? Should I be another person instead of who I am? I know many types of people which I can easily imitate. No, I won't do it. I think I'll just try to learn about myself here, from this dark place, until the time that I can overcome this and move forward.

Antara pergi, atau menetap. Antara meninggalkan, mencari dan menemukan. Di antara resiko dan resiko yang harus ditempuh. Penuh dengan kebimbangan. Saya ada dalam diri saya. Saya bersembunyi. Saya diam. Mencoba mengerti akan sesuatu bukanlah perkara mudah. Butuh masa yang tidak bisa ditentukan oleh akal. Siapa? Dimana? Mengapa? Bagaimana? Rasanya otak mulai lelah mencoba mencerna semua ini. Namun belum saatnya beristirahat. Belum. Tekad saya bulat. Saya tidak akan menyerah dan kehilangan diri. Saya harus menemukan jawaban dari semua pertanyaan itu. Setidaknya saya semakin terlatih dalam menghadapi konflik. Baik di luar maupun di dalam.

For all those good memories. Those extremely good feelings. Those kind attentions. Goodbye. I am leaving most of things behind now. Facing my tough life. Alone. I won't complain or even share stories anymore. I'm strong enough to face it. Again, alone. I've decided this. People will keep sharing things with me when they need someone to listen to their problems. And I will keep myself to try my best to help them. As usual. I won't ask anything back except in extremely urgent moments. Well, actually I've been doing it all the time. And I will keep it like that.

We do love you. We are aware that you have done many things for us since we were nothing. But since we began learning things, you have showed so many bad examples to us, and keeping it up. And this, is not a healthy thing for us. You don't really know us now. You just keep guessing. You were blinded by your own bad habit. But we know each of us specifically. We are not like you, we're not the type of those who are good in lying or pretending. When we dislike something, some of us will express it, and some will keep silent, but never act like we like it. That's what we learnt, naturally, instinctively. That's what kept us steady, even when you make troubles on us. We know each of our position, we are a solid team. You are a good example for a bad example. That's the good thing. But for being a good source of good examples, you are a minority. So please, forgive us, that when you're gone, most of us may not shed our tears. But of course, we always pray the bes...

Sebuah bidak kecil  Berjalan lurus ke depan  Selangkah demi selangkah  Saat terhalang  Tidak ada banyak pilihan  Hanya menanti kepergian penghalang  Atau tertarik umpan untuk menyimpang  Atau mati  Karena Pion tidak pernah melompat  Karena Pion tidak pernah mundur 

Belakangan ini kayaknya gw sering banget mikirin sesuatu yang 'kebetulan' terjadi. Ya, saat sendiri gw suka merenungkan berbagai hal, bermain dengan logika. Mengapa mereka begini, mengapa ini begitu, bagaimana jika begini/begitu; termasuk kebetulan-kebetulan yang terjadi terhadap diri gw.  Saat ini, ada hal yang sangat mengusik pikiran gw. Yaitu pesan yang muncul setiap gw sudah mencapai titik dimana gw sangat gelisah. Pesan itu sederhana, dan hanya berisi kata-kata yang biasa, tidak ada bahasa yang rumit. Namun kehadiran pesan tersebut memberikan sebuah tenaga untuk kembali kuat, menenangkan pikiran.  Yang gw belum habis pikir, apa harus gelisah tingkat tinggi dulu baru pesan itu akan datang? Kalau suatu saat gw mencapai tingkat dimana gw cukup kuat untuk bisa menguasai kegelisahan, apakah pesan itu akan tetap datang?  Gw pasti akan menjadi semakin kuat, semakin matang. Dengan atau tanpa pesan tersebut.    Namun demikian, gw tetap berterimakasih. Kebetulan juga...

I don't understand coincidences. But they just simply happen, a lot.  Maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe not.  What does my future hold?

Waiting while tons of curiosity are filling your little brain is one of the longest time to spend. 

A self-note. For my foolish parts. An idiot. And idiot.  I screwed up many things in my past. Will there still be a bright future?  Why? Why? Why? That's the questions questioning.. Demanding a satisfying answer.  But there's no real satisfying answer. Satisfaction is you. So, decide. But how do I decide when everything is so blurry, that you barely see anything clear enough? You can't wait. There's no more time to lose. So what should I do? I can't do this. I can't do this. Yes, you can. And you know you can sense it too. That someone out there is there with you, supporting you. I know! I know! But what's the use of those illusional support? How would I know if they are really supporting me? I don't know. Meh, I'm enough with illusions. I'll leave. I'll be on my own. Again? Yes. But this time it'll be different.  Don't you need someone to be with you?  I don't know.

I don't think I deserve what I've been wishing. Not at all. I deserve what I'm living with now. Because, guess what.. life doesn't easily change like a rain that falls suddenly in the middle of a summer.. Yes, I'm a realist. Yet, as far as if I ever think pessimistic, that's where optimism came from. But here, now, I can't think of a positive thing about myself in the future. I'm not God. But what we do today is a part of who we are tomorrow, right? And I'm in a total mess. I guess I'll do things in discreet. Live my life in discreet. Slowly vanishing. Maybe.. I'm just not sure.. at all. Stupid, as ever. I'm empty now.   Be free, my wishes. For there are better options thou might take.

The unstable conditions - physically, mentally, spiritually, habitually, behaviourally - are getting worse. It is sinking to the lowest level. Halp. Escape?

Saat menulis judul ini, gw mikir-mikir.. apakah berlebihan untuk membuat judul ini sedemikian rupa? Seakan-akan meragukan, namun menguatkan. Yah.. pokoknya entah apapun definisinya.. bagi gw judul ini sangat tepat dengan kejadian ini. Dan sebagai suatu tambahan yang mungkin (atau tidak) disebut kebetulan, judul ini berasal dari status twitter gw kurang dari 24 jam yang lalu. Masalah selalu datang silih berganti dalam kehidupan manusia. Begitu pula dengan gw. Namun entah apakah itu cuma gw yang ngerasa begini pada saat ini atau memang kenyataannya begitu, gw ngerasa hidup gw nggak pernah berhenti menghadapi gelombang masalah. Bukan masalah yang datang sewaktu-waktu dan kemudian selesai, dan untuk beberapa saat anda bisa menghembuskan nafas lega dan melemaskan saraf-saraf otak. Bukan.. bukan yang semacam itu. Yang gw hadapi adalah ombak.. Memang bukan sesuatu yang sebesar penjajahan, kemiskinan, wabah, bencana, dan lain-lain. Tapi ini cukup menguras otak, waktu, dan tenaga, sehingga men...

Ada saat-saat dimana ketika terjadi sesuatu, kita memikirkan hal tersebut. Namun pikiran itu berada di alam bawah sadar. Dan hal ini berpengaruh pada aksi kita dalam kehidupan sehari-hari - secara tidak sadar, tentunya.

So, somehow I feel that I'm calm now. I getting more stable than ever. I can think more clearly when it comes to solving a problem. Thank God. My next target will be finishing my bachelor, and looking for a better job than what I have now. My sister will be married at 1st of February. So I'm busy helping the preparation for the wedding ceremony. Invitations, re-arranging some stuffs at home, etc. I'm happy for her. Overall I'm happy with my quiet life. But as usual, I always try to get better. There are some flaws, and I'm going to fix it as soon as possible.

So, life goes on. After the happy days and the broken hearted days, it's time for me to bring the new spirit. As for the love story, I don't really care about it now. I've set my deadline of being married at 30, so there's no rush about it now. Now it's time to enjoy my "single" status and have fun doing all i want to do. As for this blog, i'm really sorry for being absent for a long time (though there're only few readers of this blog). I'll try to make things better here and I hope someday I can build a good website, for the sake of this blog and myself. Advices and critics for this "ressurected" blog are welcome.