Alay | 45 | Secretes

For all those good memories. Those extremely good feelings. Those kind attentions. Goodbye. I am leaving most of things behind now. Facing my tough life. Alone. I won't complain or even share stories anymore. I'm strong enough to face it. Again, alone. I've decided this. People will keep sharing things with me when they need someone to listen to their problems. And I will keep myself to try my best to help them. As usual. I won't ask anything back except in extremely urgent moments. Well, actually I've been doing it all the time. And I will keep it like that.

We do love you. We are aware that you have done many things for us since we were nothing. But since we began learning things, you have showed so many bad examples to us, and keeping it up. And this, is not a healthy thing for us. You don't really know us now. You just keep guessing. You were blinded by your own bad habit. But we know each of us specifically. We are not like you, we're not the type of those who are good in lying or pretending. When we dislike something, some of us will express it, and some will keep silent, but never act like we like it. That's what we learnt, naturally, instinctively. That's what kept us steady, even when you make troubles on us. We know each of our position, we are a solid team. You are a good example for a bad example. That's the good thing. But for being a good source of good examples, you are a minority. So please, forgive us, that when you're gone, most of us may not shed our tears. But of course, we always pray the bes

I can’t really tell what is it, or who is it. The only thing that I can tell is that after taking some time to tinker again, I found out that I’ve never been consistent in –literally- anything, except keeping my feeling towards you. Like I was naturally born with it, I never complain about it. I’m always able to take it in a positive way when it’s about you. Really, this is strange for me. As I am increasingly getting known by people near me as a short-tempered boy, yes I can feel their fear of myself getting mad at them (it’s a long other story to be told, which I prefer not to leak it here), I never felt any anger whenever you didn’t answer me. It’s just pure sadness, which is always easily erased by your honest kind words. I don’t know if you’re hiding something. All I know is you are always kind, to me at least. But then, I wonder if you are feeling the same way the way I do, or is that the normal you, who treat any friend the way you treat me. If it’s the former, it’s good. If it’

Several days without any post actually felt like I owe something to this blog. And the fact that my head was always filled with ideas made it worse. Someday I’ll regret it, maybe. But for now, let us leave those bad feelings and talk about something more interesting other than grievances. Look at the picture. Ain’t I handsome? Yes, I am, thank God. Well, everybody is beautiful. I can easily find a person’s beauty from one way or another. And that’s also why somehow it’s easy for me to find out a person’s intention. I’m able sense them, somehow. The baby is my nephew, Zein Malique. He’s 10 months old now, and I really love to play with him because it’s not troublesome to take care of him. He doesn’t cry a lot. And you know what, the first time he made a hand gesture is when I waved him goodbye and he responded to that by waving back at me. Even his mother was surprised. It is one unforgettable feeling. Speaking of unforgettable feeling. I remember there’s one moment when a lady smil

That hurts. :(

Sebuah bidak kecil  Berjalan lurus ke depan  Selangkah demi selangkah  Saat terhalang  Tidak ada banyak pilihan  Hanya menanti kepergian penghalang  Atau tertarik umpan untuk menyimpang  Atau mati  Karena Pion tidak pernah melompat  Karena Pion tidak pernah mundur 

Belakangan ini kayaknya gw sering banget mikirin sesuatu yang 'kebetulan' terjadi. Ya, saat sendiri gw suka merenungkan berbagai hal, bermain dengan logika. Mengapa mereka begini, mengapa ini begitu, bagaimana jika begini/begitu; termasuk kebetulan-kebetulan yang terjadi terhadap diri gw.  Saat ini, ada hal yang sangat mengusik pikiran gw. Yaitu pesan yang muncul setiap gw sudah mencapai titik dimana gw sangat gelisah. Pesan itu sederhana, dan hanya berisi kata-kata yang biasa, tidak ada bahasa yang rumit. Namun kehadiran pesan tersebut memberikan sebuah tenaga untuk kembali kuat, menenangkan pikiran.  Yang gw belum habis pikir, apa harus gelisah tingkat tinggi dulu baru pesan itu akan datang? Kalau suatu saat gw mencapai tingkat dimana gw cukup kuat untuk bisa menguasai kegelisahan, apakah pesan itu akan tetap datang?  Gw pasti akan menjadi semakin kuat, semakin matang. Dengan atau tanpa pesan tersebut.    Namun demikian, gw tetap berterimakasih. Kebetulan juga ada yang mengat

I've got a wish, that everyone is living in happiness. No fight, no tear, no hard feelings.  And leave all the pressure just to me.

Went back from Jambi to Sidimpuan for exam.  Turns out that I can't join the examination.  I know my mistakes, and I'll face the consequences.  It's just like the old days.  Just like the old days.   The real test starts again. Will I fail again?

-Reader/Advisor You're good. Really good. And the timings are amazingly almost always perfect. Fill me with good knowledges. More, and the more I'm enjoying it.  While the fact is, I never know how this could happen.   PS: Acehnese truck driver, Keritang, July 6th 2012. (Just a note to myself)

Sebagai anak laki-laki paling tua dari anak laki-laki paling tua dalam keluarga, selayaknya gw jadi contoh ideal. Tapi gw sadar gw jauh banget dari sosok figur ideal yang patut dicontoh sama adek-adek gw. I understand. It's just, sometimes, I don't understand. Why do I have to live with this? The change, the change. This starts here, for good, for better. The aim will be the same, but the method will change. Watch me.

I don't understand coincidences. But they just simply happen, a lot.  Maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe not.  What does my future hold?

Waiting while tons of curiosity are filling your little brain is one of the longest time to spend. 

Just ask me. I will do it. Quietly.

I feel sorry for myself for being so negative. This is what I've become. But this is not what I want to preserve. I want to be good, be better, be the best. Bear with me.

The most secure person for keeping a big secret is to the one who always feels unsecure to speak it to someone else. The most secure person for keeping a big secret is to the one who can give you good advices about the matter. The most secure person for keeping a big secret is ... no one. But.. Why do secret exist? Why do I have secrets? Why does it have to be a secret? If I just free myself. But what will happen if I do that?

A self-note. For my foolish parts. An idiot. And idiot.  I screwed up many things in my past. Will there still be a bright future?  Why? Why? Why? That's the questions questioning.. Demanding a satisfying answer.  But there's no real satisfying answer. Satisfaction is you. So, decide. But how do I decide when everything is so blurry, that you barely see anything clear enough? You can't wait. There's no more time to lose. So what should I do? I can't do this. I can't do this. Yes, you can. And you know you can sense it too. That someone out there is there with you, supporting you. I know! I know! But what's the use of those illusional support? How would I know if they are really supporting me? I don't know. Meh, I'm enough with illusions. I'll leave. I'll be on my own. Again? Yes. But this time it'll be different.  Don't you need someone to be with you?  I don't know.

Been on Ubuntu for 2 weeks now. Now I can say that it's a good Operating System, not like the old days. It has the good looking (better than Windows, but that's just my opinion), lots of good application for anything you want to do with. And I'll say this once, it's free, no piracy. Piracy has been a big issue nowadays. I am aware of that since the first time I understand what an original software is. Since paying for softwares is not in my "i want to do it soon" list, I think that moving to Linux is the best option. And Ubuntu is my choice. But then when it comes to gaming, and I mean big games like those multi-DVD sized games, or some MMORPG, this is where Ubuntu lacks support from games developers. So for now, I'm going to dual-boot. Until there is a better support for gaming on Linux. :)

I don't think I deserve what I've been wishing. Not at all. I deserve what I'm living with now. Because, guess what.. life doesn't easily change like a rain that falls suddenly in the middle of a summer.. Yes, I'm a realist. Yet, as far as if I ever think pessimistic, that's where optimism came from. But here, now, I can't think of a positive thing about myself in the future. I'm not God. But what we do today is a part of who we are tomorrow, right? And I'm in a total mess. I guess I'll do things in discreet. Live my life in discreet. Slowly vanishing. Maybe.. I'm just not sure.. at all. Stupid, as ever. I'm empty now.   Be free, my wishes. For there are better options thou might take.

The unstable conditions - physically, mentally, spiritually, habitually, behaviourally - are getting worse. It is sinking to the lowest level. Halp. Escape?

Saat menulis judul ini, gw mikir-mikir.. apakah berlebihan untuk membuat judul ini sedemikian rupa? Seakan-akan meragukan, namun menguatkan. Yah.. pokoknya entah apapun definisinya.. bagi gw judul ini sangat tepat dengan kejadian ini. Dan sebagai suatu tambahan yang mungkin (atau tidak) disebut kebetulan, judul ini berasal dari status twitter gw kurang dari 24 jam yang lalu. Masalah selalu datang silih berganti dalam kehidupan manusia. Begitu pula dengan gw. Namun entah apakah itu cuma gw yang ngerasa begini pada saat ini atau memang kenyataannya begitu, gw ngerasa hidup gw nggak pernah berhenti menghadapi gelombang masalah. Bukan masalah yang datang sewaktu-waktu dan kemudian selesai, dan untuk beberapa saat anda bisa menghembuskan nafas lega dan melemaskan saraf-saraf otak. Bukan.. bukan yang semacam itu. Yang gw hadapi adalah ombak.. Memang bukan sesuatu yang sebesar penjajahan, kemiskinan, wabah, bencana, dan lain-lain. Tapi ini cukup menguras otak, waktu, dan tenaga, sehingga men

I know that I'm in the right way. I'm not guessing. I just know it. Me, you, him, her, them. Everything makes sense. We live in parallel universe. Haha. (Feeling awkwardly funny and happy in such a horrible timing.)

Ada saat-saat dimana ketika terjadi sesuatu, kita memikirkan hal tersebut. Namun pikiran itu berada di alam bawah sadar. Dan hal ini berpengaruh pada aksi kita dalam kehidupan sehari-hari - secara tidak sadar, tentunya.

I play table tennis as a hobby. Even though I'm not a professional player, but I always enjoy playing with professional players. The stronger the opponent, the more I got excited. I think this is the only game where I don't really care about winning or losing. It's all fun, whether I won or lost. So talking about the tournament, it was held from 6th until 10th of January. I was registering myself at the last moment, January the 5th at 22:00. It was because I was considering my wrist injury that haven't recovered since more than one month. I consultated with my doctor. She adviced me not to participate the tournament. And also I haven't trained for a while. But it was a rare occasion, so I registered myself (sorry, Doc), and promised her that I won't force or do any wrist-risking moves. Then the the tournament began, I was lucky to have a "Bye" match. It means that I'm going to wait for another match to see who my opponent is. So for the first

So, somehow I feel that I'm calm now. I getting more stable than ever. I can think more clearly when it comes to solving a problem. Thank God. My next target will be finishing my bachelor, and looking for a better job than what I have now. My sister will be married at 1st of February. So I'm busy helping the preparation for the wedding ceremony. Invitations, re-arranging some stuffs at home, etc. I'm happy for her. Overall I'm happy with my quiet life. But as usual, I always try to get better. There are some flaws, and I'm going to fix it as soon as possible.