Alay | 45 | Secretes

Suka-suka klenlah. I believe that karma is real.

I'm changing my principles. My focus won't be for finding a partner now. I'm all for a lot of clean money. I shall ignore women, until the right one finds me.

Why can someone easily have a change of heart, when I can't? Why are there people who have happy and peaceful life without much struggle and sacrifice? When can I enjoy true happiness, when I'm already this old? Why am I always the one who ends up suffering in a relationship? Am I not kind enough? Is being kind wrong? Am I not improving much? Am I cursed? Will I become one of those who suffer tragic ending? I'm so tired.

I trying hard but still cannot see any light. My head and chest still hurt. I don't know where to go. I don't know whom to speak to. I don't know who or what can save me. It hurts so much. If this awful life prolongs, can I just die soon?

I'm in a tight spot between wanting to die out of depression and wanting to live in hope of finding true happiness.

I'm so dead I cannot listen to any kind of music since most of them are about love and feelings. I disgust them. The thing that I only have in mind is confusion; about what has happened, about what should I do.

 I'm converting this sadness into calmness, but it is probable that it'll turn into rage or lunacy.

She said she cannot be with me but she wants to see me. Such an ironic statement. I'm so done with my life now. She was the most precious thing I've kept inside my heart.  So what's next? I don't know. I'm dead inside. Is there no such thing such as good things for good and kind person? I am a very kind and thoughtful person. I treated her the best I can give. But she doesn't want to be with me anymore. It breaks my heart.  Can I still live after this? I cannot even think straight. I'm at this age where I'm desperate of having a close partner to talk to. Should I become someone bad? A liar, maybe? A cheater? A playboy? Should I throw away all the thoughts about having a good and honest life? Can I find someone better than her, someone perfectly suitable for me, as soon as possible? I need that someone very soon.  I don't know where to find it. I'm so dead.

It's very sad. I wake up every morning and regularly checking my phone in hope that there's a message from her. I don't know what to say or what to do. I can break into tears anytime.

 Can I survive this loneliness?