This Strange Feeling Bugging Me

I can’t really tell what is it, or who is it. The only thing that I can tell is that after taking some time to tinker again, I found out that I’ve never been consistent in –literally- anything, except keeping my feeling towards you. Like I was naturally born with it, I never complain about it. I’m always able to take it in a positive way when it’s about you. Really, this is strange for me. As I am increasingly getting known by people near me as a short-tempered boy, yes I can feel their fear of myself getting mad at them (it’s a long other story to be told, which I prefer not to leak it here), I never felt any anger whenever you didn’t answer me. It’s just pure sadness, which is always easily erased by your honest kind words.

I don’t know if you’re hiding something. All I know is you are always kind, to me at least. But then, I wonder if you are feeling the same way the way I do, or is that the normal you, who treat any friend the way you treat me. If it’s the former, it’s good. If it’s the latter, it’s good, it’s just I am not that kind of person. Well, I never ignore my friends whenever they ask me, but all I do is answering their question as good as possible, without giving any additional information out of their question. While when you speak with me, sometimes you trust me some –which for me, is a- personal information that could only be told to specific people.

But that’s just me, and I know you have a better education, better lifestyle, you think much better than I am, which kept me trying to reach you. Maybe. My situation is getting worse. And I don’t want to drag you inside this. But then, who to blame? Well, long story short, it’s me. It’s always been me.

I’m lost. I know what I’m aiming for. But I can’t see the way. I’m getting blind, maybe.

Still, I’ll just keep on living, keep on trying by myself, in my way. I’ll accept whatever the result will be. If it’s getting better, it’ll be good. If it’s getting worse, it’ll be fine for me. I’m tired of complaining. I’m tired of listening to people’s opinion. All I ever wanted to do is living my own life, the way I want it to be, where I decide anything with whom I want them to help me decide, without any intervention by unwanted people’s opinion, without anyone controlling or monitoring me. Can I get that?

I want to move to my own box. Even if it means that I have to forget anything that I have right now, including you. Well of course, hopefully not.